


too lost and hurting to carry the load

by eastendbarricade



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastendbarricade/pseuds/eastendbarricade
Summary: This was the third night in a row that Ben had awoken to Callum’s nightmares, and it was only adding to his worry. The last two had him shaking his boyfriend awake himself, desperate to stop shaking from the body curled up beside him, the pained shouts and sobs evident upon his face, even if Ben could not hear them. It left Ben wanting to do anything to take away what it was that was hurting Callum, but also wishing that he would tell him what was whirring around his head.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	too lost and hurting to carry the load

**Author's Note:**

> I've not written fic in literally years, but a little image within this has been playing in my mind over the last couple of days, and I couldn't help but write it. 
> 
> please be aware, there is a slight allusion to panic attacks, and a direct mention of self-harm within this.
> 
> also the title is a reference to the song Someone to Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic
> 
> hope that you enjoy it xx

This was the third night in a row that Ben had awoken to Callum’s nightmares, and it was only adding to his worry. The last two had him shaking his boyfriend awake himself, desperate to stop shaking from the body curled up beside him, the pained shouts and sobs evident upon his face, even if Ben could not hear them. It left Ben wanting to do anything to take away what it was that was hurting Callum, but also wishing that he would tell him what was whirring around his head. Instead, Callum would just sign _sorry _to him, before burying his face in Ben’s neck, hiding away and clutching his body tightly. Ben was not fully convinced that Callum was gaining much sleep in the hours that followed until the pale winter light started dawning on the Square from beyond the window, but would be dismissed when he tried to bring it up once morning had fully arrived, despite the tiredness evident in every one of Callum’s movements.__

__The frequency had been increasing too, with the guilt that seemed to ooze from Callum’s body, no matter how much Ben had tried to reassure him. But it had only gotten worse since Remembrance Day, memories of old haunting Callum’s features during the day, and now his dreams at night._ _

__The robbery hadn’t helped either, with Callum desperately attempting to keep the police at bay from the Mitchells. He’d try not to let the voices in his own head win when Callum occasionally flinched away from his touch, but he was finding it difficult to keep a level head. Ben could feel the distance forming between them, his heart cracking as he tried to urgently reach across to ease the pain._ _

__But tonight, however was different._ _

__Ben wasn’t certain what exactly it was that woke him, whether it was Callum’s arms hitting him in the stomach or the sudden movement of his boyfriend immediately jumping out of bed and the room. It didn’t take long for him to ascertain the situation, quickly grabbing his glasses and attaching his processor, before scrambling out of bed to follow him out of the room, reaching for the warm, grey hoodie of Callum’s that was resting on the chair in the corner as he went._ _

__As he quietly attempted to shrug the hoodie on as in went down the stairs, minding out of the way of the step with the squeaky floorboard (he did not want to run the risk of waking his father, let alone think about how Phil would react to the current situation), Ben could hear the quiet sobs coming from the closed door of the kitchen. Easing the door open, the sight before him causes his heart to splinter into hundreds of pieces._ _

__Callum, curled up tightly in the corner between the cabinets and the wall, arms covering his head with his face buried in his knees, as if to protect himself, shaking profusely and softly whimpering._ _

__“Hey,” Ben says, stumbling across the room and crouching down. “Callum, look at me, yeah.”_ _

__When he doesn’t get a response, Ben reaches out to put a hand on the back of Callum’s neck, to try and rouse him, but it only results in Callum curling in tighter on himself, his breathing becoming increasingly shallow, chest shaking violently. Ben realises how quickly this could descend into a full-blown panic attack._ _

__“Baby, please, you need to breathe for me. Deep breaths.”_ _

__Ben settles on the floor in front of Callum, hand stroking through the hair on the back of his boyfriend’s head. He keeps his words calm, soft murmurs, as Callum’s breathing slowly became regulated and his sobs quietened down, as Ben’s heart broke to see the person he loved suffer and not know how to fix it for him – or to even carry some of the load, the guilt, that Callum carried around with him on an ever growing basis._ _

__“You back with me babe?”, Ben asks, as the quietness of the room begins to send coldness seeping into his bones, along with the chill of the kitchen floor in wintertime. Callum gently raises his head, nodding slightly, eyes glassy and swollen, and Ben is unable to stop himself from cupping his cheeks, wiping the tear tracks that stain both sides of Callum’s face._ _

__Eventually, Callum chokes out a handful of words, that causes Ben’s throat to catch, and his stomach to swell with darkness. “I’m sorry…”_ _

__“You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all.” Ben shakes his head, unable to stop himself from moving his hand to run it through Callum’s hair, trying to catch his eyes that won’t settle. When they meet, another cry echoes from the back of Callum’s throat, and Ben is helpless, dragging his head down to the place in his neck where it feels like he belongs, as he gradually falls apart._ _

__Minutes pass, as the cold of the kitchen attempts to work its way between the two bodies, clutching each other on the floor._ _

__Ben knows however, that this can go on no longer._ _

__In the year and a half that they had known each other, Ben knew that pushing Callum to open up when he was not ready would often send him running in the other direction. But tonight, he wasn’t going to be shrugged off with half truths and platitudes that he was fine or was tired. It was getting to the point that it could not be brushed aside with no discussion. Combined with Callum’s increased jumpiness and mood swings, not to mention the fact that it was obvious that he was lying about something, Ben was worried._ _

__More than that, he was getting scared._ _

__Or rather, bone deep terrified._ _

__Terrified of not only what it was doing to Callum, but what it was doing to their relationship as a whole. And Ben wasn’t willing to let anything come between.  
Gently, Ben eases Callum’s face away from his neck, trying to ignore the way the moonlight creeping in through the kitchen blinds shines of the tear tracks that run along his face. _ _

__Scared to break the quietness, he whispers, “Y’know you’re not on your own, right?”_ _

__“I know,” Callum nods, though the panic still flitters through his eyes._ _

__“Then why won’t you talk to me, babe?” Ben hisses, trying not to raise his voice and risk wakening everyone asleep upstairs. He doesn’t want him to shut him out, just when he can see that Callum is starting to listen to him. “Talk to me…”_ _

__“Drop it, Ben” Callum sharply responds. But the regret is immediately evident across his face, as it crumbles before his eyes. “Please Ben, please just leave it”._ _

__Ben finds he can’t just let it slide like he has done so many times recently. When his man is slowly but surely falling apart before his very eyes, day by day. “How can I when I see what it is doing to you? You’re not sleeping, you’re jumpy and paranoid and you’re losing yourself to this. It ain’t you Cal. Something is tearing you to pieces, and I can’t sit back and do nothing anymore, when I see you like this.”_ _

__“It’s nothing, you don’t need to worry,” but Callum’s voice cracks as he speaks, and Ben knows he should tread carefully. He knows he should let Callum come to him in his own time. There is the voice in his own head though, that can’t help but snap at Callum pushing him away, and he only just manages to keep himself from shouting._ _

__“So what is the point when I do need to worry Cal? When you stop sleeping through the night? Because we are well past that. What about when you start hiding things from me? Because we both have experience of when we have done that in the past, and it only results in lies and pain. Or maybe I should only start worrying when you next try and smash a bottle into your own leg.” Ben snaps. He can feel the anger and the fear that has been building inside of him for weeks now escaping through his words, and he knows he may have taken things too far, particularly when he can see the shock at even referring to this moment in their past written all over Callum’s face. He’s not willing to take it back though, not when it displays some of the deepest worries within him._ _

__He takes a deep breath and tries again, hoping that if he keeps his voice level, Callum may just tell him the truth. The pain and worry he feels for his boyfriend can’t help but seep out in how he talks though. “I just want to help you. So don’t shut me out. You’re not doing this on your own.”_ _

__Ben knows that he is close to begging. But Callum’s eyes finally meeting his gives him a small victory, and he can’t help but give a gentle smile to his loveable giant. The single tear that runs down Callum’s cheek and the words he chokes out though, almost break him completely. “I just want to protect you.”_ _

__“Protect me from what?” Ben tries to keep Callum’s eye contact, but the taller man looks away, his breath shuddering, though some strength and resolve seems to be kicking in, even if he chooses to avoid answering Ben’s question._ _

__“I have to protect you. I have to protect my family. Because it’s what you do isn’t it. And now it’s all gone wrong, and you’re going to hate me and I’m going to lose everything.” The tears that had been welling in Callum’s eyes now track down his face in waterfalls, and Ben cannot try and wipe them away. Cannot but try to reassure the man that he loves with his whole heart._ _

__But as he tries to ignore the vague familiarity of Callum’s words, desperate to reassure him, despite the fear rapidly filling his veins. “Baby, there is nothing in the world that could make me hate you. We can get through anything you and me,” he pleads, as resignation filters through Callum’s eyes._ _

__As Callum opens his mouth and the truth starts spilling out, there is a part of Ben that wonders if what he said is actually true. Whether this is something that they can actually get past. But Ben desperately hopes so._ _

**Author's Note:**

> i'm songforabarricade over on tumblr, if you fancy popping by and letting me know what you thought <3


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